The Maine Women's Journal - Fall 2007

I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of micro-managing. It is generally used in business terms to describe someone in middle management who watches the employees a little too closely. If you’ve ever worked for a micro-manager, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You never know when you’ll find her looking over your shoulder, politely suggesting that you do that a little differently next time. You probably couldn’t wait to leave that job for one in which you felt treated more professionally - with a little more respect for the fact that you are an intelligent, capable woman. Micro-managing is not any better for businesses than it is for employees. Productivity and morale suffer because employees who think highly of themselves move on to other jobs. The business is left with only those employees who either don’t think enough of themselves to expect better treatment, or who don’t have any other options.

Most of us can recognize this as bad policy. Yet those of us who deem ourselves too smart to tolerate this treatment expect our own kids to put up with it from us. Do you look over your son’s shoulder with a few helpful suggestions about how you would do that aspect of the project? Do you watch what (or how much) your daughter is eating a little too closely? If you’re not sure, ask yourself if your son’s project would have been good enough without your suggestion; or if your daughter is capable of making good snack choices for herself given the opportunity.

Just as micro-managing is bad for employee morale, “micro-mommying” is bad for family morale. The message your child receives is clear: s/he is not capable of figuring it out for him/herself. Wouldn’t it be better for your child to have a less than perfect project than to be taught that s/he is incapable?

According to Bria Simpson’s book The Balanced Mom, micro-mommying is not just bad for kids, either. All of the energy and focus that you are putting into your child’s every move detracts from the other things that really matter in life. It puts you out of balance. It might be healthier to re-channel some of that energy into interests other than your children.

This is not to say that our children don’t need our guidance. They do. Laissez-faire parenting doesn’t provide children with the direction they need. The trick is in finding the balance: when do they need our advice, and when can they find their own way?

Here’s a final cautionary thought:  

If you are a micro-mommy, be especially careful when it comes to your partner. This bad habit is insidiously invasive, and can spread if you’re not careful!

Rebekah Bickford, M.S., is a sociologist currently re-educating to become a psychologist. She lives in Baldwin with her husband, Mark, and their two children.

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